Over the years I’ve come across many opportunities to display my manhood, and what I think it means. The vast pitfalls of societal pressures can lead a young black man to destructive habits. The backbone of masculinity is the ability to endure life’s many challenges without faltering. The proper structures for a young man to embody masculinity is vague in the black community at times.
From friends to love interests, my ideals of masculinity often stem from a place of self-awareness. Standing in a classroom around strange people has never been a challenge, it is the intimacy of life that I often waved off as a danger zone. Getting too close was always an opportunity to feel hurt and used. Like many black men, from my toddler years until my early twenties I found a dark space to keep the thoughts and feelings which made me a target.
The brutal truth is that though man has civilized himself, we are still heavily reliant on the primitive nature of our being. Having to fight the idea that a man is a certain way, coupled with a black man is a certain way; I often choose a path that led me to left field. At the risk of being labeled weird or uncool, I stood firm in the murkiness of being content with my differences. Lacking a relationship with my biological father, I sought the wisdom of many elders to solidify my path.
Chin up
The life expectancy of many young black men in my neighborhood was 18-21. Even if you survived the drugs and gangs, and poverty was waiting to attack. The battle internally for affirmation was a constant and daily obstacle for me. Unable to dive deep enough into my emotions, I began swimming in the seas of disruptive and self-destructing behaviors early in life. While I was always self-reflective and conscious of my decisions, I still choose instant gratification without caring for long-term consequences.
Like many young black men in my circumstance, the absence of a relationship with their father lends to many other character flaws. Undisciplined and impatient, the finish line never seemed close enough to wait for the results of my labor. Harboring much confusion about my identity, I decided like many others to determine my own manhood. A couple of decades of bad decisions and impulsive reactions led me to my late twenties and a revelation about who I can be.
I’ve never sought external validation. Even in my early years, from the way I dressed to the way I spoke. This self-imposing nature is both a good and bad trait, if untamed and unmastered it can lead to much more bad than good. The many lessons I’ve learned come from my desire never to stop growing. After many hiccups, the most valuable information I gathered was that a man is who he determines himself to be.
By choice or by force
The difficulty of being manly or standing firm in a masculine state is the contradictions. You will be taught to be strong-willed and to have integrity. However, as soon as the strong will and integrity clash with contemporary ideals you are outlawed and cast as weird or difficult. Having to deny the spectrum of masculinity, many young black men never escape their stereotypical avatar.
I choose to never follow another man’s path but to engage the parts of their character that gave me the most clarity. With all the faults I possess, I knew that emulating anyone would only bury the truth of my nature. The depths of my personality have blossomed into the man I want to be. With a family and a work ethic, I am confident in the masculinity I display.
The painful truth is that I am also not looking to follow trends on how a man should act. It was my willpower to remain true to my differences and ideas that allowed me to overcome the mocking and doubt of others. The battle to define masculinity has to broaden its parameters in order to encompass man at his fullest potential.
I have questioned along the way my differences from other men, yet I never questioned my manhood. It took some years and maturing to understand something my body knew instinctively. Any man unafraid to weather the naysayers and mockers attempts to box you in, might be the most masculine of all.
Long gone
After coming into full appreciation of my journey later in my years, I’d like to share a few pieces of advice.
The battle to be the most masculine male is fruitless if you possess no true awareness of the benefits and flaws of your character. The t.v and movie model of a male is but a way to sell entertainment. Many men throughout history who were the greatest of men looked as normal as you and I, and still possess great will and desire to ascend beyond boundaries.
Facing the challenge of knowing yourself, you will encounter many obstacles which force you to look into the mirror honestly and humbly. Many days I was unsure if I could uphold my believe against the wave of peer pressure. Most days I’d spend time alone and in meditation in search of the answers that only I needed to hear.
Being fearful is just as useful as being brave. If you fear nothing then you will always have the potential to lose your humanity, and the ability to see others. Being in touch with your emotions is just as useful as being stoic. If you never know what you feel then you are always at risk to be manipulated by others. Being overly fearful and overly emotional are harmful traits to a masculine man. Wanting to always be brave and stoic also come with the risk of losing things which are important.
Balance in life is important, but there are times when you have to choose a side and be prepared for the consequence.
I have traveled down this road and realized masculinity isn’t a one-size-fits-all, but a buffet of traits that define a man. I am constantly examining my manhood for ways to improve, yet I am firmly planted in the man that I am.
“Be not afraid of losing friends and family, but of losing yourself to feed others sense of comfort.” – Jacquel Ward
